It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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