So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
