please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
