I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
