nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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