My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
