i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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