i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
