i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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