I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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