theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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