she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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