I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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