just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
