You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
