Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Two words: blizzard sex
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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