Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
