If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
