people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
