I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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