My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think your dad took our porno
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
