Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
