Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize