So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
