i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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