It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
