Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
