you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
