You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
