I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize