So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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