i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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