I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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