i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
