he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
