I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
