I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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