You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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