There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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