sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
