I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
