Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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