Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
