Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
