Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Michael Bay diarrhea
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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