can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
