I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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