I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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