I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
