Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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