Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
