God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
