three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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