At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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