Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Watching her eat just hurts me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
