Don't make out with my wife yet
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize