Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
