You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
should my penis look like a turkey
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
