first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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