You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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