It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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