She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
