dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
