I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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